Ok, so I was just reading another single mommy blog (will link to the post at the end) and it dredged up old feelings for me. Those of you who know my story know that I was engaged to someone I had known since high school. Not too long after getting engaged, I found out he was cheating. So, of course, I immediately broke up with him. Then I found out I was pregnant. So I made the (now regrettable) decision to resume the relationship. Through the course of our messed up, toxic, emotionally and physically abusive relationship I fought to keep us together (for the sake of our “family”) while he cheated with numerous girls. He left over a year ago and I have not talked to him since. However, the mother of his oldest kids (he has 2 girls with his high school sweetheart) felt the need to send me a message letting me know that he was dating one of the girls he cheated on me with (which I already knew because the girl took it upon herself to send me a lovely email chock full of pictures of the two of them happy and smiling with her kids. Bitch.). Not only that, but she was living with him and his family. His ex then informed me that his new thing was pregnant, they were engaged, and that they were going through premarital therapy. All of this about a month after he abandoned me and Christian.
Now, don’t get me wrong — I did not want him back. by any means. I was glad he was out of our life. I didn’t want anything to do with him — not even financial support. The thought of him disgusted me. I didn’t like him or love him. And I certainly could not stomach the idea of being intimate with him. But it did make me feel some type of way. Several ways. First off, I was angry. I mean, what the hell? Not only did he cheat on me while we were together, but he left us to actually be with one of them? I was hurt. Was I so dispensable that he could just leave and pick up where he left off with me with another woman? Worse, was CHRISTIAN so unimportant that he could just replace him with another child? I was back to feeling pissed! Hurt me all you want, but don’t screw over my kid.
I felt betrayed. His family (supposed Christians) not only accepted that he abandoned his child (and never even attempted to provide anything for him) but they embraced it by letting him and his new girlfriend live with them. Now, I didn’t have a really close relationship with his family, but I did live with them for several months. Not only that, they are a family of single moms. My ex’s father was abusive to his mom and didn’t have a relationship with his kids until they were adults. His sister is a single mom to a little girl. I would have thought that they, at least, would not respect him for everything he put me through. They knew about the abuse. The cheating. That he abandoned not only me (someone they had known since I was 18) but their grandson and nephew. They, at least, would not let him get away with it so easily. Right? Wrong. Not only did they welcome him back with open arms, but they swallowed up all of the lies he was spreading about me forcing him to leave, trying to get him arrested, and about me constantly threatening to take my son away. Me…the person who put up with his crap for 2 years. The person who endured physical and emotional abuse JUST so that our child would have both parents in the home. I was back to being pissed.
I hate to admit it, but I was also jealous. Not that she had him — I knew from experience that a relationship with him is nothing to brag about. But that it was so easy for him to just pick up and move on without any consequences. He could go on about his life as though none of this had ever happened. As though this were all an unpleasant dream that he could wake up from. I know that Christian is a HUGE blessing and that my ex is the one that is missing out. However, I couldn’t help but begrudge him the ease with which he moved on to the next stage of his life. No muss, no fuss. Then, of course, I was back to being angry. Excuse my language, but why the FUCK does he deserve to be happy? Why does he deserve to be in a relationship and have a family and no worries? He was the one who did all of the wrong. Yet I struggle to raise my son on my own. Where is the justice in all of this?
And don’t get me started on how they are engaged and actually GOING to premarital therapy. Part of me was mad about that. I tried several times to convince him to go to counseling with me. After all, we had some serious issues, the least of which was his anger issues and his constant infidelity. He placated me by saying he would go– but he never found the time (or motivation) to do it. Does that mean that I was less worthy than a girl who knowingly and willingly slept with someone else’s man? Part of me thought it was hilarious. I mean, if you are having to go to counseling when you have only been dating for a month, what does that say about your relationship? I am a firm believer in the fact that if someone cheats with you, they will cheat on you. And she is clearly not a person of high moral fiber either. When he cheated on me with her, not only was I pregnant and engaged, but she was in a relationship with someone else. She was completely aware that he was engaged and that I was pregnant with his child. Then, to make things even more messed up, there is a very real possibility that one of her kids (who is a few months younger than Christian) is actually HIS child. Which means that he may have gotten her pregnant while we were together.
*sigh* I am probably writing in a very disjointed manner, so I hope you are keeping up. Anyways, despite the fact that I am over the end of our relationship and have embraced single mommydom, all of this did make me feel very negatively. Anger, hatred, confusion, doubt…all of these feelings had me pulled under for a while. Not to the point where I could not function, but definitely to the point where I was dwelling on things — getting more and more upset. I finally broke out of it, but every once in a while I will see or hear something that will bring it all back up again. Like when I read that blog. But this time I actually feel ok, because it shows me that I am not the only one that this has happened to. Knowing that you are not alone is a wonderful thing. Keeps you sane and strong. So…for all you ladies out there who have been through something like this, know that you are not alone and that it does get better. 😀
As promised, here is the link to the blog post that I read: http://singlemomsurvives.com/2012/04/kill-em-with-kindness.html?showComment=1344707570857#c7154180226104975232